The Lies We Tell Ourselves
Recognize The When You Deceive Yourself
People always tell half-truths, white lies, sins of omission and other types of financial fiction when dealing with money issues. Why? The motivation, of course, is self-protection: If we don’t tell the truth to ourselves and others, maybe no one will know . . . maybe the problem will disappear! Here are three of the biggest lies people make about money:
1. The Lies We Tell Ourselves Avoiding the truth about your finances is really easy. The trouble is that the lies we tell ourselves about money are hard to spot, because they are often couched as Really Valid Reasons. Here are some other financial cover-ups you may have used:
- “I’ve earned it.”
- “If she can afford it, why can’t I?”
- “I make (insert dollar amount here). I should be able to live better than this.”
- “What’s the harm? I hardly ever buy myself anything new.”
These rationales are externally driven. When you compare yourself to others or to a certain ideal (”all my girlfriends have one“), you avoid dealing with the realities of your own bank account. The need to assuage that discomfort is only natural. The trouble comes when denial becomes your primary way of coping and you avoid reality by overspending, not staying on top of your debt, trying to buy what others have and other financially damaging behaviors.
2. The Lies We Tell Others These financial fictions are much easier to spot. Who doesn’t know when they are lying to someone? But they are harder to correct for the following reasons:
- You feel entitled to your privacy. “Hey, my money is nobody else’s business.”
- You don’t want to look bad. “If I told even my best friend about how much debt I have, he would think I was an idiot.”
- You know you’re about to fix the problem. “There’s no point in telling anyone we’re behind on our mortgage — I’m about to get a raise and everything will be fine.”
The nugget of truth here is that you really don’t have to tell anyone the truth about your financial life . . . unless hiding the financial facts is getting or keeping you in trouble. The lie you tell about your financial situation could be concealing numerous other emotional issues. There is an overall refusal to accept one’s limitations. We say we don’t have such-and-such limitations, we’re fine and we get into deeper problems as a result. Admitting a particular truth to someone else also makes your money problem more concrete and harder to avoid.
3. Sins of Omission Sounds innocent (as though you just forgot to mention something) but they too can be poisonous. In reality, they are an ugly combination of personal denial and lying to others.
- Your friend admits that she’s in debt, but you just nod sympathetically, even though your debt could eat her debt for breakfast.
- You make a major money mistake, and you’re so ashamed that you vow to take it to your grave.
- Your pals are planning a ski vacation this winter and invite you along. You’re broke, but you book the hotel and flight anyway.
- You just found out that your spouse is $25,000 in debt, you can’t make your car payments and you have no idea where to get help — so you don’t even ask.
Wrapping a key financial matter in a cloak of silence is really about keeping up appearances and fooling yourself that you haven’t lied, you just didn’t tell the truth.
